Have some laugh... Joke of the day.... Enjoy...

Just some little jokes to spice up your day... Enjoy and have a good laughter... Haven't you guys heard of this.. Laughter is the best medicine.. So laugh loud k.... Hee... Lolx....

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Football

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played minor league football together for so many years. Please do me one favour; when you get to Heaven, somehow, you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my bestfriend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him: "Mike--Mike.""Who is it?, asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?""Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died.""I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.""Joe! Where are you?""In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike."The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven.

Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're playing on Tuesday."

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Man comes home , finds his wife with his friend in bed .

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends...'

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A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus,' send me a brother'

Santa wrote back,' SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'

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What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and Mattress

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Husband asks , 'Do u know the meaning of WIFE?? Without Information Fighting Everytime Wife replies,' No, It means ,With Idiot For Ever !!!'

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What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,and Panic is when both are pregnant.

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Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?

Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

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A women asks man who is traveling with six children, 'Are all these kids yours??'The man replies, ' No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints'.

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A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential.

Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!'

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THE CURRENT MALAYSIAN DILEMMA:

Get Vietnamese workers, dogs missing.

Get Bangladeshi workers, Malay girls missing.

Get Indonesian workers, money missing.

Get Indian workers, jewellery missing.

Get Chinese workers, husbands missing.

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Well.....here is something to link the 5cs to the newer 5 bs !

I don't need a *CAR* , but I want a *BMW** **
*
I don't need a *CONDO*, but I want a * BUNGALOW** **
*
I don't need you to have * CASH* but I want you to own a *BANK* **

I don't need you to have a * CAREER* but I want you to be a *BOSS*

It's interesting for you to read!

Most of you would have heard of the Singapore* 5C's*! :

* Car, Condo, Credit Card(Gold), Cash and Career*

Heard of the *5B's*?

*B - BMW** **

** B - Body** **

**B - Brain** **

** B - Billionaire** **

**B - Bungalow** **
*
And, and addition with the *5K's* .........................................

*Kiasu (scared of losing) ****

**Kiasee (scared of dying)** **

** Kiabor (scared of wife)** * *

** Kiaboh (scared of having nothing)** **

**Kiachenghu (scared of government)** **
*
We've been reading about the 5C's! and 5K's for Singaporeans, now comes
the 5 Numerals and Malaysia's equivalent...

Singapore's "practice" for Simple Living :
*1 - One Wife** **
** 2 - Two Children** **
**3 - Three Bedroom Condo** **
** 4 - Four Wheels** **
** 5 - Five Figure Salary** **
*
Malaysia's Malays "practice" to Simple Living:
*5 - Five Children ****
**4 - Four Wives** **
** 3 - Three Figure Salary** **
** 2 - Two Wheels** **
**1 - One-Storey Link House*

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NEED TO CRY OUT LOUD

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?"one of them asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When it cries!" she told them. "When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?" "Because, I forgot where I put it."

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The Nun Decorators

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The man walks in, does a double take, and says, "Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

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The Soldier and the Nun A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later." The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see -- I don't want to go to Iraq ."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear." The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either."

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On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren... And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

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Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

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There once was a very good old barber in New York.One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes topay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept moneyfrom you. I am doing community service." The Florist is happy and leavesthe shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is athank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber afterthe cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money fromyou. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Thenext morning the barber goes to open his shop; there is a thank you card anda dozen donuts waiting at his door.A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes topay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. Icannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Singaporeansoftware engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barbergoes to open his shop, guess what he finds there . . .

A dozen Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut!

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Don't Step on the Ducks

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you forall of eternity?"

She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

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One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!""Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?""Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guiness, Wine Coolers, Diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow," the guy said, "that's awesome!"The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're deadanyhow." "You into drugs?" the guy said. "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean...""That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?""No." "Ooooohh, you're gonna hate Fridays.............

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The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats.
So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.
To the British he said. "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.
To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.
To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.
Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came
up with the appeal: "Free life jackets for those who jumped."

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3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army supply base to
collect underwear. The sergeant was there to aid the supplies.
Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwear you need ah?
Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)!
Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?
Ah! Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.
Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear?
Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!
Sergeant: (curious) How come six?
Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.
Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwears dah dei?
Tambi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!
Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why you need so many for?
Tambi: January, February, March.....One month one.

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Ever heard of the Noodle and Bao Story???

Chapter One ===========
One day, noodle quarrel with meat bao (bun). They had a fight but bao was too clumsy and lost
badly. He was very angry and he told noodle to stay behind if he has the guts and he'll get his pals toassist him. Meat bao went to find bread, man tou, jian bao etc to get them to reinforce him. Along the way, they saw maggi mee. They ah bish ah bish ah bish and beat maggi mee up and maggi mee beripuzzled why he kena beaten up.

He said, "Why u all beat me? What have I done to deserve this?" The meat bao said,Noodle! Dun think uperm your hair then cannot recognise u!"

Chapter Two ===========
Maggi mee, who was beaten up for no reason, was very angry. So he went to find bee hoon, udon, friednoodles etc to seek revenge.

But on the way, they met small bao. Maggi mee looked at small bao for a while then told his
brothers,Bra-der! Whack him!" Maggi mee whack small bao harder & harder.

After the noodles family has left, they asked Maggi Mee why he hated small bao so much and beat him up sobadly.Maggi mee said. "At first wanna teach him a small lesson only, but then see him act cute, made me so angry."

Chapter Three =============
The more small bao thought of it, the more buay song he was. So, he found the bao family to whack Maggimee. Then they found ying shi juan (noodles covered with bun). They brought him back as hostage and were about to put him on the stove to force him to talk when the bao head said, "That's not noodles! That's our undercover!"

Chapter Four ============
The family of bao and noodles are now enemies and they have gang fights whenever they see each other. One day, the noodles family was having a walk when they saw char siew bao alone. Seeing the good chance, all of them attacked him. The noodles family shouted. "Beat him hard hard! Don't give chance just because he's vomiting blood!"

Chapter Five ============
Poor char siew bao, with his injuries, went to the bao headquarters to look for help. All the bao family was activated and together with red bean bao, green bean bun etc. they went to seek revenge. All the passerbys siam them as they look like they will kill.They saw french fries jalan jalan along, shopping. The bao family attacked him. The bao head shouted, "Noodle people still wear gold go shopping! Whack him!!!"

Chapter Six ===========
Finally, the bao family manage to kidnap noodle, the one who started up the whole show, and brought him back to the bao headquarter. All the baos took turns to whack him. At the end, the chief of baos dua bah bao took a final roll over noodle before they dump him.

When the poor noodle finally went home, none of the family member could recognise him bcoz he is totally disfigured - flatten. In order not to let the family bear the bad name, he appears as a new member named Mee pok.

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A college student invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful his room mate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between him and Julie, and this made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and Julie than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, he volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to him and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver tray. You don't suppose she took it do you?" he said, "Well I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you "did" take a silver tray from my house,and I'm not saying you "did not" take a silver tray. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, your son

Several days later, he received a letter from his mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if Julie was sleeping in her own bed she would have found the silver tray by now.
Love Mum

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your Mother.

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A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

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Terok Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the passport size photograph of his son (for college admission). Accidentally, the photograph fell from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor, below the ends of a woman's saree.

He asked her "Can you lift up your saree? I wanna take photograph"

The rest is history.

He was beaten up so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital. He was surprised to see Butol Singh on the bed next to him, in a worse condition. Butol explained what happened to him.

He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the owner whether he can stay there for the night. The owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay". He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The owner replied, "I have 3 grown up daughters. "Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".

He went to the next house and asked: "Do you have grown up daughters?"

The Owner asked, "WHY?????????" Butol replied, "I wanted to stay here
for a night....." The rest is history.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS "WORDS GET YOU INTO DEEP TROUBLE IF YOU DON'T
USE IT CORRECTLY.

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Driving a cab is not so easy............

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went upon
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."

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Phone rings and maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing...
When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid replied:
"MASTURBATING."

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A black guy & white girl met at a nite club.
She took him to her apartment & said: "tie me to the bed & do what
Black men do best!" So he ran off with the TV & VCR...

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Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"
Husband: "I wish you are a newspaper TOO my dear... so I can have a NEW ONE every morning!"

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A lady visited her doctor one morning.
Doc said: "U look so weak & exhausted! Are u eating ur meals 3X a day As I advised?
Lady: "Doc, I thought u said 3 males a day!"

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A camel & an elephant met & elephant asked: "Why do you have your Tits on your back?"
The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a Dick on his face!"

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Retrenchment Letter

Dear staff,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in US since last Christmas, Management has decided to implementa schemeto put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for RetiredPersonnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training)as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

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So how was it... Leave me a comment and look forward to more jokes on my blog.... Good Day....